Three weeks ago, I was on top of the world at work. We were finally getting resources to help with my project, things were getting organized like I have been trying to do for months, and it looked like we were on our way to building a great team in St. Petersburg. It was also looking like I would be able to finally get approval to attend a technical conference that would really help me a lot with work. Two weeks ago, I was also so consumed by work, that I worked all day, much of the evening, went to bed for about five hors, and started over again. I even worked a significant amount on weekends and during a family vacation so i could keep the work moving forward. It was tiring but I was excited.
One week ago, I found out that the conference I wanted to go to was not going to happen for me. I also found that some of the improvements that we were hoping would be added to the project just weren’t going to happen. Add to this that there were going to be changes to our deadlines and we were required to do more than we had originally. Fortunately, the deadlines changed back and the additional work requirement was removed. Oh, and I started working fewer hours (still a lot) during eh week and not on weekends.
This week, I learned that all of the extra work I have been doing to train a new team might be for not, and they might dissolve this team. This will be the third time In less than a yer and a half that I have had to build and train a team for this project all to see it wiped out. This just adds to the feeling that I have all the responsibility and pressure to make this project succeed but keep
losing my tools to do so. I have a lot of co-workers that would just say, you are asking too much and not do it. I should be this way, but I would still feel like I failed, so I couldn’t say that. Oh, and this week I have been working just a bit of overtime. If they aren’t supporting me, I’m not supporting them. What this means is I have pulled my heart back out of the project, at least part of it. What this also means is tha t I sleep a lot better at night.
Next week, who knows what else will happen. I feel like applying for an open position at my company for a less stressful and more stable position. Who knows, maybe I will. I want to send a message that I have given everything, including my heart to this project, just to have it crushed over and over again. At the same time, I feel I have taken this project to a level that I am very proud of and want to see it to the end. On the other hand, things might unravel with this project for reasons beyond my control and it might be wise to get out while I can.
What do I do next week? I will probably be over all of this and begin pouring my heart slowly back into it again to be crushed again. This is my pattern. I cannot long remain dispassionate about what I am doing. It is my curse and strength. It is also my curse and strength to ride out the storm, and like the cockroach I wrote about in another post, I will try to survive the storm.